Whisky Words: Project (12)

This is Submission TWELVE of The Whiskey Words. The Whiskey Words is a writing project (and a giveaway). The winner will be announced on 1st of April.

You fixed me with the price of ruining yourself

Do you remember the first thing I told you when you said that you loved me?

“You’re mistaken.”

With “I love you too” written all over my tongue and all over my lips and all over my eyelids, I said “you’re mistaken”. You kept repeating “I love you” and I kept repeating “you’re mistaken”.

But every letter, every word that came out of your mouth was like a pink cloud of cotton candy, and every syllable you uttered reached me decorated in a bed of interwoven wild flowers.

And I gave in. You know how much I love flowers. Of course I gave in.

But little did you know that I only know how to kiss with my teeth and draw blood from your tongue. Little did you know that every part of me that you touch will be set ablaze in flames. I will burn, and I’ll burn you along. Little did you know that I cry tears of blood and when you try to wipe my eyes, you’ll be the one who ends up wounded.

But soon enough you realized all of this. All of me.

Everything changed then. Dark and grey and heavy clouds loomed over what once were your blue-skied-eyes, and with every blink, the sky above our heads ripped apart and it bled tears.

Tears that poured down on me. Tears that, when kissed by my burnt skin, turned into smoke and extinguished every part of me that was burning. Tears that drenched me. My hair and my eyelashes. I was finally crying tears and not blood. Tears that trickled down my face, my forehead, my nose, and settled down on my lips. My lips were full of moisture, full of life.

I was fixed and I wanted to kiss you with those lips.

But when I opened my eyes, you had already backed away. You were already far too gone.

You should have listened to me when I said “you’re mistaken”.

Because now all that’s left of us is you repeating
“I was mistaken”.
Me repeating
“I love you”.

You fixed me with the price of ruining yourself.

– Aayushma Manandhar (blog)




Love can be cruel. You’re falling apart, drowning in your own tears, wondering where you went wrong and the damned thing still gives hope. Your wrist is cut, your mascara smeared all over, your head is dizzy and the damned thing will still not let you let it go. You are wearing long sleeves to hide the pain, smiling to convince someone that you’re fine, and saying that you’re over him, but it will still make your eyes look around for him. Love can be poisonous. It will kill you before you get a chance to think about what has happened. You will be falling to the ground, your eyes closing, giving into the darkness, and it will be the reason why. It’s not fun. It really is not.

But it is worth it.

The butterflies in your stomach, the rush of blood in your cheeks, and the constant urges to hug him tell you so. Every time you kiss him as the sun sets, every time you hold his hand just to have something to hold onto, every time you shed tears but the pillow does not get wet because he is there, you will know it is worth it. As you have sex on the terrace, drink wine on the seventieth date, and just look at each other with awe, you will know its worth it. When you listen to tapes of old music, make out in the car, or just stay together in silence, you will know that it’s worth everything that could go wrong.

Love can be cruel, and it can be sweet. You will get a taste of both. You will feel the mixed colours of darkness and light and the strange things it leaves behind. You will see the clouds darken, the weather worsening as a storm comes, but you will find peace in the rain in chaos it brings. You will see it as a poison you so desperately needed to get away from a more vicious world. You will be broken, but you’ll also be happy. You will be grey.

Previous post : Whisky flowers.
Related post : My darkness.

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